The head of HR has pre-emptively written a few sentences to use as introductions to e-mails which she anticipated she would one day have to send out. Rank from the MOST positive to the LEAST positive. 1. You are an absolute disgrace to yourself and to this company. Consider this your third and final reprimand from myself. The remainder of the board have still to reach a decision regarding your employment contract with us. 2. After reviewing the transgressions which have been brought to my attention, I have declared this issue to have been resolved peacefully. I must first thank you for your well-balanced composure during this time. 3. I send my congratulations to the Diversity team; you have done fantastically well at championing for diversity in the workplace through your unusual, yet well-received, recruitment program. 4. I am so, so, so ecstatic to hear that you will be working more closely with us! I offer you my heartfelt congratulations on your successful internal application to the position. 5. We are all fairly pleased for you that you passed the second round of the application process, despite our initial reservations on your public-speaking abilities.